Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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