the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
