What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
