Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
