Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
