I think my vagina is haunted
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize
