And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Randomize
