So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
