At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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