Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Randomize
