party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
