I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
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