a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
