Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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