I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
