I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I want to be your penis for a week.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
The ass gains better be worth it
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