I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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