Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
