What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
