Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
