i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
