4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
