i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
A bitchslap is in order.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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