I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
