My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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