Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
