i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
