i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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