I love black thongs
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Everclear isn't food dammit
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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