that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
