I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
