I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
