upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
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