Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
