And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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