New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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