I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
