Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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