hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
