I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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