I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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