I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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