Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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