she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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