apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize