I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
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