I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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