honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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