if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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