i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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