Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize