I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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