I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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