you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
