At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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