dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
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