I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
