in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Randomize
