I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I feel like a drive thru vagina
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
