dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
barbara walters just said penis...
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
I'm really busy with my period
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